I always knew I had anxiety, so it was not a shocker when my first therapist confirmed it. Whom by the way, his solution for everything was for me to move away and just forget about my present life. My second therapist’s solution for everything was to get hitched. Safe to say the neither of them lasted long as my therapist. And yes they were both white older males, so what could they really have in common with me, a first generation latinx chick that rejects almost everything about the patriarchy in her culture. But in July 2021, I was blessed enough to find a therapist who I could relate to. She is an older hispanic woman, who just allows me to rant, cry, cus, cry some more and helps me understand my own feelings. ***NOTE: my psychologist who diagnosed with me with ADHD (July 2021 at the age of 25), gave me a formal diagnosis of severe anxiety, and sometimes I honestly wonder how tf I made it through life fooling everyone that I was fine, including myself. honestly I think I always kept myself busy on purpose, in HS I was in AP classes, student government, student mentorship, in university I was always busy 18 units at a time with a full time job. I was literally keeping myself busy to not feel any of this. And this does not mean I am not busy now, it means by body and mind were tried of suppressing this part of myself and they manifested themselves. ***
Understanding my emotions is new to me. Usually, I suppress them and pretend that they do not exist. Turns out that if you do that enough, there comes a time where the glass becomes so full of emotions that a small inconvenience will have you in bed for four weeks, without eating, crying non-stop, low energy, anxiety consuming you, a trip to urgent care, and everything else that accompanies a depressive episode, but on this post, we are focusing on the anxiety part of it. For a while, I did not recognize who I was seeing in the mirror. It was not who I portray myself to be. I had never broken down like that, but I knew it was coming, it was at least three years in the making and I knew it was around the corner, just didn’t know how hard it would hit me this time. Anyways, back to the anxiety part..
Anxiety manifests itself in so many different ways. It is not always hyperventilating or trying to catch air, sometimes it is sitting quietly trying to control your thoughts and heart rate. Others is just reminding yourself to actually breathe. At the suggestion of my sister, I started to read the book The Power of NOW by Eckhart Tolle, it talks about how anxiety is about living in the future, while depression is about living in the past. Which both are statements I would agree with. In addition, it states that when you feel yourself getting overwhelmed by either, to take a deep breathe and focus on the now, what are you doing right now, at this moment? For example, if I was doing the exercise in this moment I would tell myself, you’re in your bedroom, your salt lamp is on, you’re listening to the Chill playlist on Apple Music, you can hear your parents having their morning coffee downstairs, you’re in bed sitting in the middle of at least ten pillows and your writing on your blog. This exercise is supposed to get you to focus, to not live in either the past or the future but in the NOW. Although many times it can work, other times you still burst into tears. Which is weird because a year ago, I would only cry if someone passed away (if even then), now I just get overwhelmed and feel the urge to cry. It sucks, this is emotionally exhausting.
After writing the first three paragraphs, it is abundantly obvious to myself, that I am still learning how to actually cope with anxiety. I used to work out everyday which often times helped, but I haven’t had the energy to do a decent work out since November. Cold showers are also important, which have make working from home a blessing.
Anyone who really knows me, knows that I do not really like the beach, I do not like the feeling of the sand, but lately it has become my favorite place, my favorite escape. Sitting right in front of the waves, playing meditation music, allowing myself to cry if I need to, talking to the universe/God, any saint who is willing to listen. The first time I went, I remember seeing three dolphins, I was so damn excited because those are rare at Cherry Beach in Long Beach. After that I went back almost everyday. I went when I felt like I needed to get something off my chest because it was heavy. I went when I could feel my anxiety starting to consume me. I went when I just needed to yell and be mad at something, at someone. I went when I wanted answers that in real life I will probably never get. But I have also started going when I felt at peace, and sit there and say thank you, again to the universe/GOD, which ever saint is willing to listen. I’ve also gone when I feel like I am looking for guidance, a sign, anything to keep me going. At the end, I know I will be okay. That whatever needs to happen will happen, and the only thing I can control are my own actions and how much work I put into my goals and dreams. So for the sake of my severe anxiety, I am letting everything go, everything I can not control, and letting life take its course.
Aprendi que la vida no es siempre lo que planeas, pero puedes hacer una bonita vida con lo que te ofrece el universo.
So my suggestion, is to let go, let go of what you can not control. Focus on what you can. Do not get consumed by the past, that already happened and cannot be changed, but grab on to the lessons that it offered you. Do not worry about the future that it is not set in stone. And when you feel like either anxiety or depression is consuming you, focus on the now, focus on your surroundings, what are you doing in that very moment. What can you see, what can you hear, what can you touch. And yes all this shit is easier said than done, talking from my own experience, but it gets easier and healing is not linear. Dios mio, it is not linear and it will take time to unlearn some of these habits, but it is worth it.
Karen Alezzandra 