Thoughts & Posts..

Some of the Yummy Food I have the privilege to eat.

It would be unfair to talk about mental health without talking about mental illnesses. I was diagnosed with anxiety and mild depression sometime in 2019, and most recently I was diagnosed with ADHD. It’s hard to talk about this, because many do not understand the physical side effects mental illnesses have. I used to think that they way I felt when I have anxiety was normal(often feel like I am dying and running out of oxygen).

Over the past year, I have become very open about my anxiety and now with my ADHD, but my depression is something I do not speak about. It is so taboo in the Mexican culture to speak about this. Porque luego luego hablan de que estan loco o de que vas a tener depression si lo tienes todo. Pero depression doesn’t work like that. It doesn’t care about your socio-economic status, education, religion, age, anything. Le vale madre ala deprecion.

Going through therapy and learning how to deal with my emotions has been a blessing. Mediating, working out, and yelling at the ocean have also helped.

My point is, we should not be scared to explore our feelings and thoughts, even when they are hard to comprehend.

During my recent therapy session, we discussed about the three Karens that keep me alive. The strong, protective Karen that doesn’t have time to feel her feelings, but literally takes a deep breathe and keeps going. This Karen doesn’t care for emotions or for affection, she is everything she needs.

The lovely dovey Karen that falls in love too easily and for the first time in while she was let out. The one who wears her heart on her sleeve, and likes to be hugged and cuddled. The one who recently was so damn happy but was so naive (strong Karen knew we were going to get hurt and it was all too good to be true).

And last the destroyed Karen that can’t get out of bed. The one who allowed her thoughts and feelings consume her. The one that in all honesty I never want to see again, but know will make her appearance from time to time, but next time we’re not letting her stay for more than a day.

The ideal would be to allow strong Karen (logical and rationale) to work with the lovey dovey Karen (follows her heart and looks for happiness) to work together, but so many times strong Karen takes over, because lovey dovey Karen is too emotional she follows her heart too easily and doesn’t put up the boundaries needed to stay on track with her emotions and her goals.

As a society we need to talk more about mental illnesses and mental health. 1) that a lot of us go through this and were not alone 2) it’s fucken normal and part of human nature 3) if we don’t talk about it we allow it to consume us and get in the way of life.

I will upload books, music and quotes that have helped me get though anxiety/panic attacks, or just dark moments in life.

I always knew I had anxiety, so it was not a shocker when my first therapist confirmed it. Whom by the way, his solution for everything was for me to move away and just forget about my present life. My second therapist’s solution for everything was to get hitched. Safe to say the neither of them lasted long as my therapist. And yes they were both white older males, so what could they really have in common with me, a first generation latinx chick that rejects almost everything about the patriarchy in her culture. But in July 2021, I was blessed enough to find a therapist who I could relate to. She is an older hispanic woman, who just allows me to rant, cry, cus, cry some more and helps me understand my own feelings. ***NOTE: my psychologist who diagnosed with me with ADHD (July 2021 at the age of 25), gave me a formal diagnosis of severe anxiety, and sometimes I honestly wonder how tf I made it through life fooling everyone that I was fine, including myself. honestly I think I always kept myself busy on purpose, in HS I was in AP classes, student government, student mentorship, in university I was always busy 18 units at a time with a full time job. I was literally keeping myself busy to not feel any of this. And this does not mean I am not busy now, it means by body and mind were tried of suppressing this part of myself and they manifested themselves. ***

Understanding my emotions is new to me. Usually, I suppress them and pretend that they do not exist. Turns out that if you do that enough, there comes a time where the glass becomes so full of emotions that a small inconvenience will have you in bed for four weeks, without eating, crying non-stop, low energy, anxiety consuming you, a trip to urgent care, and everything else that accompanies a depressive episode, but on this post, we are focusing on the anxiety part of it. For a while, I did not recognize who I was seeing in the mirror. It was not who I portray myself to be. I had never broken down like that, but I knew it was coming, it was at least three years in the making and I knew it was around the corner, just didn’t know how hard it would hit me this time. Anyways, back to the anxiety part..

Anxiety manifests itself in so many different ways. It is not always hyperventilating or trying to catch air, sometimes it is sitting quietly trying to control your thoughts and heart rate. Others is just reminding yourself to actually breathe. At the suggestion of my sister, I started to read the book The Power of NOW by Eckhart Tolle, it talks about how anxiety is about living in the future, while depression is about living in the past. Which both are statements I would agree with. In addition, it states that when you feel yourself getting overwhelmed by either, to take a deep breathe and focus on the now, what are you doing right now, at this moment? For example, if I was doing the exercise in this moment I would tell myself, you’re in your bedroom, your salt lamp is on, you’re listening to the Chill playlist on Apple Music, you can hear your parents having their morning coffee downstairs, you’re in bed sitting in the middle of at least ten pillows and your writing on your blog. This exercise is supposed to get you to focus, to not live in either the past or the future but in the NOW. Although many times it can work, other times you still burst into tears. Which is weird because a year ago, I would only cry if someone passed away (if even then), now I just get overwhelmed and feel the urge to cry. It sucks, this is emotionally exhausting.

After writing the first three paragraphs, it is abundantly obvious to myself, that I am still learning how to actually cope with anxiety. I used to work out everyday which often times helped, but I haven’t had the energy to do a decent work out since November. Cold showers are also important, which have make working from home a blessing.

Anyone who really knows me, knows that I do not really like the beach, I do not like the feeling of the sand, but lately it has become my favorite place, my favorite escape. Sitting right in front of the waves, playing meditation music, allowing myself to cry if I need to, talking to the universe/God, any saint who is willing to listen. The first time I went, I remember seeing three dolphins, I was so damn excited because those are rare at Cherry Beach in Long Beach. After that I went back almost everyday. I went when I felt like I needed to get something off my chest because it was heavy. I went when I could feel my anxiety starting to consume me. I went when I just needed to yell and be mad at something, at someone. I went when I wanted answers that in real life I will probably never get. But I have also started going when I felt at peace, and sit there and say thank you, again to the universe/GOD, which ever saint is willing to listen. I’ve also gone when I feel like I am looking for guidance, a sign, anything to keep me going. At the end, I know I will be okay. That whatever needs to happen will happen, and the only thing I can control are my own actions and how much work I put into my goals and dreams. So for the sake of my severe anxiety, I am letting everything go, everything I can not control, and letting life take its course.

Aprendi que la vida no es siempre lo que planeas, pero puedes hacer una bonita vida con lo que te ofrece el universo.

So my suggestion, is to let go, let go of what you can not control. Focus on what you can. Do not get consumed by the past, that already happened and cannot be changed, but grab on to the lessons that it offered you. Do not worry about the future that it is not set in stone. And when you feel like either anxiety or depression is consuming you, focus on the now, focus on your surroundings, what are you doing in that very moment. What can you see, what can you hear, what can you touch. And yes all this shit is easier said than done, talking from my own experience, but it gets easier and healing is not linear. Dios mio, it is not linear and it will take time to unlearn some of these habits, but it is worth it.

Thankful always with life and god for my parents and siblings that put up with me every single day. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday since there is literally just thanks to give.

Thankful for my parents and siblings who are always there to catch me.

Always thankful for the friends who were on the phone with me while trying to calm me down from panic attacks.

I love you all always and am thankful for you everyday.

Agradecia con la vida y dios siempre por todo.

Welcome to my website! Please be advised that I have no idea what I am doing in life or on this website but I am trying to figure it out each and everyday. I decided to start this website to hold myself accountable about my glowing up journey.

Over the past year, I have been working on myself, including but not limited on accomplishing three goals that I set for myself at the beginning of 2021. Although, I will not disclose the details of each goal, here they are in a generalized manner 1) weight goal (I had to make healthier choices); 2) Financial goal (a certain number in my bank/portfolio account; 3) LSAT goal. I am proud to announce that the first two have been accomplished and am currently waiting for the results of the third goal.

In addition to the above, I also went back to therapy and started to meditate. I have learned the true meaning of self love, that self love is not about saying “I am pretty,” but it is about having hard conversations with yourself and reflecting on your daily decisions. Self love is getting up and doing the work that you may not want to do, whether is it to study for a test, work out, eat something healthy versus yummy junk food, or even reflecting and analyzing if you have been toxic.

The goal is to become a better version of myself. We have two options everyday, to either evolve or repeat. I aim to have more days where I evolve than those where I repeat daily habits.

Stay tuned..

#SelfImprovement #SelfLove